Blood sugar: 9.8 mmol or 196 mg/dl
Despite the fact that my good friend Damani calls me ‘The Master Relaxer’, I can’t relax. I was acutely aware of this last night as I lay in a warm white room, low on light and heavy on the piped-in sounds of flutes and bells, with a handful of acupuncture needles placed strategically along my meridians. I must have been noticeably unrelaxed as the acupuncturists urged me to ‘Close your eyes, Relax!’ on several occasions. But I just couldn’t obey her orders, the people pleaser in me be darned.
I wish I could blame the acupuncture needles for my inability to reach my inner calm, but I grew up with needles, needles are my family. It was abandon that I was fearing. On the few occasions when I reached that stage of weird, non sequitur thoughts but not quite dreams, I was quickly startled out of it by: what did I eat for lunch and was it complex or simple carbs? What was my last blood sugar? It was high, right? What was my correction dose? Am I going low? Am I going to die? I’M GOING TO DIE! That last sentiment is a pervasive and a powerful one that I know well. I worry that if I’m not constantly tuned into my body then I could go low without realizing it. This fear of dying from low blood sugar is the biggest reason to why I’ve consistently kept my blood sugar too high over the last 20 odd years. As I work on getting to an HbA1c of 7, this fear is the biggest threat to achieving my goal (and Dear Reader, you’ll be hearing lots about it). I need to contend and confront this fear if I’m really going to make progress. I need to realize that this fear itself is the only thing I should be fearing.
Oh shoot, I just realized that I wrote another morose post. OK, next post will be lighter. Off to check if the circus is in town.